C. Rag

Posted on: June 22nd, 2009
By: crag

My SoulDyke & Are you a Good Person?

This is an email exchange so start from the bottom. This is dedicated to my friend/coworker who has a very similar sense of humor. If she leaves I will miss her. She’s like an arty version of me.

From: Cunt Rag
Sent: Tuesday, June 09, 2009 4:14 PM
To: Co-Worker#6
Subject: RE: Work Stuff

There’s only sharing if I go first. I don’t like sloppy seconds.

From: Co-worker#6
Sent: Tuesday, June 09, 2009 4:13 PM
To: Cunt Rag
Subject: Re: Work Stuff You are do twisted. Hopefully CockMaster will be able to share you with your soul-butch

From: Cunt Rag
To: Co-worker#6
Sent: Tue Jun 09 16:11:34 2009
Subject: RE: Work Stuff

I’ve only made out with chicks & I liked it. I’ve never gone all the way. I’m saving myself for my soul-dyke.

So no I’m not a real lesbo, but some day my soul-dyke with a female mullet will come.

From: Co-worker#6
Sent: Tuesday, June 09, 2009 4:08 PM
To: Cunt Rag
Subject: Re: Work Stuff The term is power muff. Maybe you aren’t a lesbo. Every real lesbo knows its power muff

From: Cunt Rag
To: Co-worker#6
Sent: Tue Jun 09 16:06:35 2009
Subject: RE: Work Stuff

I like carpet only neatly shaven. No wild untrimmed bushes.

From: Co-worker#6
Sent: Tuesday, June 09, 2009 4:06 PM
To: Cunt Rag
Subject: Re: Work Stuff

You are such a lesbian.

From: Cunt Rag
To: Co-worker#6
Sent: Tue Jun 09 16:05:04 2009
Subject: RE: Work Stuff

The only sin I have committed is looking at women lustfully… which is all of the time.

From: Co-Worker#6
Sent: Tuesday, June 09, 2009 4:03 PM
To: Cunt Rag
Subject: Re: Work Stuff WTF?! Talk about passing the buck. Maybe I don’t want to talk to her!

Pull it together Rag. Maybe you should read the ARE YOU A GOOD PERSON? pamphlet, I left you a little more closely.

Jeez I kid - I’ll work with Co-Worker#2.

From: Cunt Rag
To: Co-Worker#6
Sent: Tue Jun 09 15:43:11 2009
Subject: RE: Work Stuff

Co-Worker#6, Sorry for not getting back with you about this, but Co-Worker#2 has the access to do what you are requesting. Just shoot her an email about which ones that needs to be cleaned up. Let me know if there’s anything else. Thanks,Cuntie

2 Comments

I want to ride my bicycle.

So CockMaster & I have bought bikes. I biked in college because it would take me two minutes to get to class. We were talking about how it would be a good way to get around. We live near a greenway. CockMaster can bike into work. I can bike to the farmer’s market & library. I plan on getting a child’s seat, but from what I’ve seen online they recommand waiting until the child is at least a year old so we have a few more months until AG & I are cruising & picking up chicks.

The other day I rode my bike down to the farmer’s market & we have a good number of hills. I’ve forgotten how much fun it is to go down a hill and just let go & feel the rush of the air. In college there weren’t any hills. As a kid there were & it was so much fun riding your bike around especially on the golf course’s big hill. It was thrilling.

I felt like I was nine again going down these hills & peddling hard to go up them. I wish we had more bike lanes around. I think people would be in better moods if we were biking everywhere like we were kids instead all tense and pissy in our cars.

So I saw this clip of this toddler preaching. It is disturbing & funny. I have a theory that we should like kids be kids & dumpter sluts be dumpster sluts. Don’t make a toddler be a preacher. Come on let a toddler be a toddler!

6 Comments

Posted on: May 20th, 2009
By: crag

I feel the Earth Move Under my Feet

So I experienced my first earthquake. I don’t live in a area know to have earthquakes. It was only 3.0, but we felt it. I was up with AG nursing of course at 4:00 am when I felt the walls move a loud noise as if an explosion happened. I ran to get CockMaster up. My first thought was it’s an earthquake. My folks & sister for part of her adulthood have lived in California & they’ve told me about their experiences. I quickly said to myself “That’s impossible. We don’t have earthquakes here.” CockMaster checked around the house to make sure it wasn’t anything just with our house. We then went on the back on the deck & other neighbors were out on their porchs & decks & yards all in their pjs all hollaring back & forth to each other what WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

So we saw a group of neighbors on the corner some in robes others with clothes that were put on quickly in the dark. One of the older neighbors had a police scanner. What we were able to decipher was that it was an earthquake.

Later the news reported it was 3.0 on the Richter Scale no damages or injuries were reported, but it was wierd to feel like the whole house moved.

7 Comments

Mama Cunt has a fucking amazing Ma

So I know I’ve not been active in the blogging world & I miss it, but there is so little time. I have to say that I love what I’m doing right.

I never understood when people say having a child will change things. Their reason always sounded selfish. I figured it out. You don’t have any free time. That’s what changes. That’s not a good or bad thing.

I have to say that I am so thankful for my Ma. I don’t think I would be sane right now if it wasn’t for her. She really is a saint. She drives up 5 1/2 hours on Monday & leaves on Friday another 5 1/2 hour drive back to South Carolina.

She wakes up at 4:30 am to watch AG so I can go for a run. So she takes my dog, her dog, & AG out for a walk at that time. She helps with dinner & cooking. She knows when I’m stress & hands me a glass of wine. She’s the GREATEST FUCKING nanny/servant ever.

She is so happy. My Ma was going through empty nest syndrome & for a woman who has had kids in the house for 34 years it was very hard when Little Brother went to college. So when this opportunity came along she jumped at. You have to understand she didn’t want to volunteer or a get a job just to fill her time. She wanted to take care of someone partly family. She also likes to be told what to do. She has even said that. She said, “At this point in my life I don’t want to make decisions. Tell me when I need to be here & I’m here.”

AG just adores his Oma. It’s so cute. I’m glad she has this chance to have this relationship. My parents are older & so this may be her only chance to have this type of relationship.

I wish she knew how much she means to me.

7 Comments

Posted on: May 16th, 2009
By: crag

I have blanket in case I get cold

Another Daddy Tale:

My Ma watches AG when I’m at work. The days I have important meetings on a Monday, she stays the weekend. Friday evening she is in her room/the dungeon as my older siblings call it. I call it the unpaid servant’s room or slave’s quarters. She was talking to my Daddy on the phone.

This is the conversation:

My Ma: “What are you doing?”
My Daddy: ” Sitting on the deck drinking a martini…“ a pause “naked”

My Ma: “What if the neighbors see?!”

My Daddy: “They aren’t home. I have blanket in case I get cold.”

I can’t make this shit up.

To get that image out of my head here’s Megan Fox.

4 Comments

Topless in my office

It’s not as hot as you may think, because I’m pumping boobie juice…moooooooooooooo.

I’m not really sure what I want to write about. I can complain about the ugly ass guy with the hairy back at the gym yesterday. The gym has a no topless rule so a worker told him to put his shirt on. There should only be a topless if hot rule. So hairy back guy you do not count. I don’t have anything to rant about. The stupid teabaggers had their stupid teabagging protest yesterday, but they were just so sad that it’s not even funny. I will point out that anti-war protesters were called anti-American & unpatriotic etc, but the teabaggers are just teabaggers & they probably have hairy balls.

AG is getting big & he’s trying to crawl. He’s really vocal so I’m afraid he’s going to be a talker. Great one more person that I don’t listen to.

Wow, this is really a lame ass post. I can’t think of anything clever…well I’ve never been clever. Maybe it’s the pumping boobie juice that’s draining my mind right now.

So you can’t see this, but I’m done pumping & I’m shaking my boobs around.

Oh the things I get away with at work.

14 Comments

Posted on: March 13th, 2009
By: crag

Tales of My Daddy IV

So Daddy & Ma were up last weekend to see AG. The weather was fantastic. Fucking fantastic. The type of weather that lets all the tits & ass hang out. The only problem is that there are too many tits & asses that should remain covered. So AG, CockMaster, Daddy, Ma, & I all went out to the farmer’s market. As we are passing by the stalls there’s someone with homemade dog treats. There was a bowl of free samples of dog biscuits. I had AG in my Baby Bjorn & Ma & CockMaster were in front of in of me. Behind me was Daddy. I looked behind me & saw my Daddy pop something in his mouth.

I asked, “Daddy, did you just eat a free sample dog biscuit?”

He looked behind him at the stall & said, “Oh crap!… They weren’t very good.”

10 Comments

WTF? Do we not have an original ideas anymore?

Do you know what inspired me to drink whole bottles of champagne,CHEAP ASS champagne, & vodka in high school at parties? It probably also explains why I can’t drink much now.

I spent hours of my youth watching Absolutely Fabulous on BBC American.

So FOX is making an “Americanize” version of Ab Fab.

Now I’ve seen the Americanize version of Kath & Kim & it sucks worse than a beating from Chris Brown. I’ve never seen the original Australian version, but that’s not the point. Have a fucking orginial idea? For example Arrested Development was fucking awesome & original.

This will be a train wreck.

9 Comments

Posted on: March 6th, 2009
By: crag

The Cunt as a bank teller

Have you ever wonder whatever happened to someone that you had a brief interaction with and you know you will never meet them again & if you did you probably wouldn’t remember what they looked like? One summer I worked as a bank teller. I hated it, but it was an easy job to do. I could ride my bike to the downtown bank. I hated counting money in front of people, the fear of not doing it right overwhelmed me. There was another teller that really opened up her entire life up to me. Her husband had been married before and he was a cop. The ex wife & him had a son. The ex wife didn’t want any more children so she pushed him to get a vasectomy. A couple years later the ex wife was pregnant. She had been having an affair with her gynecologist for some time. At first she tried to convince him that it was his and that sometimes vasectomies aren’t 100%. The truth came out and they divorced. The teller was talking about how much she wished she could have children, but she loved her husband. She also talked about her poor upbringing in a large family. She was meticulous in everything she did, in her appearance & her work. She was unhappy in her status in life that she would probably always be a teller. I don’t think she thought college was an option for her. She was bright and had wonderful people skills. Her perfectionism was hiding her unhappiness. I’m amazed how people can open up to complete strangers. On the internet it’s anonymous. It feels safer, but I was working alongside her for a summer. Maybe she knew we would never see each other again. The summer would be over. I would be back in school and then graduate and move away. She was very sweet. The funny thing is that I haven’t thought about her in years. I wonder how things are for her. I hope she is happy.

5 Comments

The Cunt is back…at least once a week.

So I’ve gotten a lot of complaints from reality friends not just virtual friends that AG & I are AWOL. So I think I can get some blogging done on Fridays. I don’t work on Fridays, so I’m going to try to get some blog time then.*

TIME

I’m amazed how little I have of that. When there is free time, I just want to spend it with CockMaster & AG. I only work part time, but still time is a factor. I even have my Ma, Consuelo, who helps with the cleaning, cooking, & other housework. So I’m not sure where the time goes. I’m enjoying every moment I have with AG because tomorrow he will be one day older. It’s amazing to see the progress. I have to say that I don’t think I knew what love was until AG. Don’t misunderstand me, I love CockMaster. Well, I love his cock, at least. There’s something about the intensity. I don’t know if fathers feel the same way. When that baby’s big blue eyes looks at me, there are beams of love. I know he will end up hating me especially when he gets older and sees his FaceBook page. Oh poor AG, to have a Cunt as a mother will be a burden. My Little Brother said the other day to our Ma, “It’s hard to see Cuntie as a mother, because she is still an outlandish & crude cunt.”

On Fridays, when I’m free and AG is taking his nap by sleeping on my chest, I catch up on my tv. I can’t move around otherwise, AG wakes up and gets pissy just like AngryMan. He enjoys his naps on his pillows a.k.a. my jugs. I’ve been watching this show called “Lie To Me” on hulu.com. I’m surprise that I enjoy it. I love Tim Roth, and the show is interesting and entertaining. It’s not the greatest show ever. I wouldn’t call it my favorite, Arrested Development, FireFly, South Park, Scrubs, & Family Guy are my faves.

So I read The Reader, mainly because Kate Winslet won the Oscar & I’m a big fan of Winslet especially after my favorite Extras’ episode with her “How many more movies do we need about the Holocaust? I mean, we get it, it was grim.” I watched the movie… online…of course it was legal…cough. The review over at COLCOL’s sums it up best.

I have to go be milked.

*NOTE: I wrote this Friday & am posting it on Sunday.