Why I Have High Blood Pressure

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Responding to criticism by Spike Lee that his recent World War II movies excluded black soldiers, Clint Eastwood admitted that he did so because of his deeply held racial beliefs that black people are inferior to white people. “Yes, it’s true,” Eastwood said while attending a charity event for white patients with cancer hosted by Don Imus, “I hate black people and I’m glad that someone finally figured it out and I get a chance to talk about it. I just hate that it was a spade that put the pieces together.”

Fans of Eastwood were surprised to learn that he is racist. “Really? He’s racist? Then why did he have Morgan Freeman in Unforgiven and Million Dollar Baby?” asked Mike, “Hell, now that I think about it, Million Dollar Baby was chock-full of black actors. And Unforgiven was one of the few Westerns with a black actor in a prominent role. But, if Spike Lee says it, it must be true. Wait, can you believe that I watched a film that wasn’t about porn? Me neither.” Other fans have pointed out that Flags of our Fathers was about the six men who raised the American flag at Iwo Jima, none of whom were black, and that to find a way to put in black soldiers would have been a distraction from the story.

World War II historians are particularly upset at Spike Lee for what they perceive as historical ignorance on his part. “Look,” commented the ghost of Stephen Ambrose, “military units in World War II were segregated on racial grounds. Blacks and whites did not serve in the same unit. It was a huge problem during World War II, and that’s probably why you didn’t see a lot of black people in Flags of our Fathers. As for Letters from Iwo Jima, did Spike Lee even watch that movie? It was about JAPANESE PEOPLE! How many black people would you expect to see in that flick? I mean, it’s not like The Last King of Scotland where the producers made up a white guy to tell the story of Idi Amin. It’s not like there is a lack of historical material that prevented the producers from telling it from the point of view of Amin himself or another black person. If you were going to complain about anything, that would be the film to complain about, but I guess since Forest Whitaker got the Oscar for best actor despite clearly playing a supporting role, Spike Lee’s okay with it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to plagirize more books and get my facts wrong.”

Lee refuses to back down from his criticisms. “You can’t make me believe that ridiculous white man’s history! The Rev. Jeremiah Wright told me that it was all brothers who raised that flag at Iwo Jima, and I’m going to believe him over some book written by a white man on white paper!” Eastwood remains unfazed by the criticism and says that he will continue to make films that do not needlessly include people who are not relevant to the story. “I will say one thing, though. I will never make another movie about Japs. Those slanty-eyed short people just give me the creeps. I hope there aren’t any slopes in the white man’s heaven. Well, I guess they can be there as long as they only serve tea. Anything other than that is pushing it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pop a Viagra and fuck my wetback wife. I’m going to throw a fuck into Angelina Jolie for good measure. One of those twins is mine, you know.”

In other news, it was recently confirmed that Eastwood’s next project will be a remake of his film Bird which was about jazz musician Charlie Parker. “He’s never been able to let go of the fact that he couldn’t cast a white person to play Parker. He finally has enough credibility to get away with it,” said spokesman David Duke.

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